Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Pardon these puns

     You've heard of the fellow who entered a pun contest, sending in ten of his best, hoping that at least one would win. Alas, no pun in ten did. 
     Sometimes I wonder what puns were on his "list of likely losers" (as Leonard Post-Toasties used to say). 
     What if he squeezed and tortured the disclaimer "no pun intended" for all ten?
     His couldn't have been any worse than mine, right? 
     Pardon me while I get these out of my system:
Asking for trouble in Washington Square
     10. My daughter Marta often lunches in Manhattan near Washington Square Park, where the chess players hang out. There are some slick cheaters in that crowd, and if you're not careful, they'll swipe your pieces in a New York minute. Leave no pawn untended. 
     9. The street vendor at the fish-and-chips cart tells Marta to ignore any stray shrimp she may find in her basket. No prawn intended. And what if she wants a fish sandwich instead? Fuhgeddaboutit! No bun intended. 
     8. Your dollar bill declares that it is legal tender for all debts, public and private. But nobody wants your pennies anymore. No penny tendered.
     7. A pun walks into a Caribbean bar. The bartender groans ... then shakes his head and points to a sign that says: "No puns in Trinidad."
     6. Noah's favorite animals on the ark were two small horses. He made his family take care of all the other animals, while Noah pony-tended.
     5. Puns are a lot like ponies. You can only ride them so far, and you have to put up with an occasional stinker. No pungency did.
     4. Theodore Roosevelt wanted to keep a journal on his safari, but Tarzan neglected to pack one vital item. No pen in tent, Ted. 
     3. TV political commentators trip over themselves trying to get in the last word. Too often, these debates end pathetically. No pundit ended.
     2. (Rerun alert) I once wrote a blog about a clever billboard in Columbia that used bricks to tell puns. I lamented the phrase "no pun intended," which should never be used by any writer with a functioning backspace key. In conversation, it's an acceptable apology. But in publication, it's as vain as this post. I have only a few readers, and it has never been intent of my blog to pun-ish you. Nope, unintended. 
     1. Think you can do better? Do you know punchy endings? Or do you have no pun incentive?     

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